I have been going through a 3 year period of remodeling my belief structure. I started seeing something in my heart and life that was too small for the life God wanted me to enter. The structure became too restrictive for what, I felt, God was calling me to do. I needed a spiritual make-over.
In the beginning I brought in some of the professionals, McLaren, Pagitt, A. Jones, and Sweet Remodeling Service to reconstructed the place. There was a lot of talk of deconstructing, tearing out some of the structures that were superfluous and no longer significant to the structure of the faith. Things I have been thinking about for a long time, so it wasn't a big deal to lose them. After a while, though, I became a little nervous about the size of the job and began to wonder if these guys were really the experts. (I am not questioning their heart, spirits, or minds) But it seemed they were specialist in deconstruction and I was wondering do they know anything of the construction phase. I let them do some of the deconstruction. And they were pretty good. It seemed like there was a fluidity in their movement. Things got torn out and put out on the front porch for evaluations and determination. I could hardly recognize the place after a few weeks and books. That which I thought were so important became objectively removed and stored or thrown away. We brought in a huge dumpster. Some things were brought out to the lawn and then we needed to put it back with a better and more accessible purpose. But other things tossed. Some things didn't matter if it needed to go or stay so we put it back in the study near the big couches for future conversations. But we were still in the deconstruction phase for a long time.
Now after three years there is a lot of sawdust on the floor, in the furniture, in books and movies, in my clothes, TV set and AV equipment, in the kitchen, in my friends, in the bathroom and even the toilet paper seemed to absorb the sawdust (more effective but a lot more painful), and in my eyes, ears, and mouth. It seems every holy meal I eat there is a bit of sawdust and debris from the remodel in every bite. Sure, I hung up plastic to keep all the rubble relegated to one part of the abode but it seems like it is spiritually everywhere. It affects everything.
It is funny. As I am remodeling MY faith abode, it is starting to tick off other people. It is like during the remodel they don't know where to sit or can they still go to the refrigerator and get some cool water. They want to know is the hot water knob on the faucet still on the left or does that get remodeled as well and we put it anywhere we want? Is there a building code in deconstruction where the criteria is properly set? One issue is we are deconstructing the criteria, the way we look at everything, along with the rest of the place. Is that bad?
Recently, I got rid of many of the experts and started going into a do-it-myself type remodel. I have many friends who are helping me with particular aspects of the job as they have been doing some remodeling as well. Deep conversations with some of those who are working faithfully in this project in their own life. There are a lot of people doing remodeling right now so many perspectives are given. Seems healthier than just following a few who get paid to write books on it. Nothing wrong with their books but sometimes when one gets paid to be an expert in deconstruction they will never get to the construction phase because they won't be able to sustain the niche they have carved out for themselves. We found ourselves asking God what it should look like for each of us and for us as a community instead of copying other’s places. There was a consistancy but it was definitely unique.
I needed to start the construction phase, it is not that the deconstruction phase is finished but for my psyche I needed to start something positive. The deconstruction phase started producing some weird side effects. I starting thinking I may need to move out and get another place to have faith. It seemed everything was broken. Cynicism crept in and became the windows of how I looked at stuff. Joy was gone. Hope was up on the shelf with my old trophies from the 70’s through the 90’s.
I started working on the windows first. How do I look out and how do I see? What kind of view am I looking out at? Do I only look at the manicured front yard, where the Company has provided the yard service so all the faith places would look identical, or do we open up the walls and put in windows to the driveway, alley, neighbors, sky, and subterranean vistas. What were we missing with the original windows and walls and were windows put in place so that the Company would only let us look at what they wanted us to see? I started seeing things in a new way. Light was streaming in and opening up my eyes to things unnoticed before. I became a little uncomfortable with the way I was before. Perspectives changed. Depth of field was greater.
I asked God about the walk up to my house. I thought the front walk would be straighten or widen but it was not. In fact, it seemed to get harder to walk on with turnouts and benches placed in more appropriate places. It took longer to get there than before but the walk was starting to get more interesting. The place of faith had to be traveled slowly instead of a quick walk up. I also had to get rid of the garage door opener so that I took more time to experience the neighborhood.
I need to go rest now, hopefully more later…
This picture to the left hangs in the doorway of my office. It is a reminder for me to bend over each time I go through my doorway. The doorway is 5'8" high and I am 6'0" high. I have not bent over enough so many time and smacked my head and some times I don't bend enough and shave off an 1/8 of an inch that I am probably more like 5'11" by now. 
