Control...

During this "down time" I try to debrief the summer, debrief my life, cook, clean up after I cook, draw a little, dream, stare a lot, drink a little wine, read detective novels, catch up with my family, eat hard cheeses, throw away some clothes, make coney island hot dogs, BBQ fish, and other things that I didn't get to do much during the summer.

Thursday, I spent a few hours with Nellie debriefing the summer, which was a great beginning. I haven't looked at the summer with anyone else before so it was good to speak out loud and listen to her perspective.

I have been spending some time debriefing myself and I am caught in a quandary. I think I have control issues. I lead 80+ people, responsible for about 2400 campers, get about 50 or more phone calls, letters, or emails from parents, pastors and others complaining or are concerned about something or other, I have to send campers and staff home, stop people who shouldn't be on campus, encourage, pray, counsel with the staff, etc. For ten weeks I am earlobe deep in decisions and putting out fires, that I had nothing or little to do with in the first place and then in a matter of hours I am home and don't have any of the issues that I just had. My poor wife, Christel, then becomes the "target" of my leadership. But then it is not considered leadership qualities but control issues.

She is very gracious as I plan, critique, and basically tell her my opinion on everything. Then she gives me The Smile. It is usually the first Tuesday when I get it. She is a music teacher, an opera singer, a mother of 3, soon to be a grandmother, an elder at the Local Corporation, graduated Cum Laude from CSU,Fresno, a beautiful woman, can cook the best lasagna in the world, even better than my mom's which is a huge accomplishment by the way, and my best friend. She knows her stuff. Why would I try to lead her? She is the one who has been faithful, compassionate, long suffering, bill paying, put up with this bozo for 30+ years, etc.

I don't know how to turn it off. I don't think I have to lead her just because of my plumbing - know what I mean? It comes down to control. I tend to control people I care about. These are good people, smart people, accomplished people. I go out on a boat with friends and I start controlling where we go, what we eat, what music comes out of my iPod, etc. Control.

It is easier when I have job title and people that gives me license to control but when I am a friend, a husband, a son, a dad, etc I need to mellow out. So a huge "I am truly sorry" to all of those that I tend to control and have been quietly patient with me. I will try to sit back more and let you drive the boat.

Something to work on...