Lately, I find myself on the other side of myself.
I am reading scriptures, mainly Matthew's gospel, and it is quite disturbing my harmony with myself. First Jesus tells us to love God with all of our heart, soul, and mind. Then he goes on and tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves. He also tells us to love our enemy.
I am not doing well at this.
First off, I think I am barely loving God with my soul, I think about Him a bit and am in awe of Him, and my passion for Him is low. I do not really think that I am doing what my PR is telling everyone.
No, I have not fallen, back-sliden, been disappointed, matured, become cynical, etc. I just don't think I love Him fully, like He commands. I get wrapped up in the program of Him but not in the totality of Him.
I think part of it has to do with loving my neighbor. I don't know my neighbors. I don't like the neighbor to the east who calls me and complains if we temporarily park a car on to her property, which is a vacant field, during a party for my father or family gatherings. We are both on an acre, there is plenty of room for someone to park a foot or so onto her property. My other neighbor is probably getting another divorce. The one across the street doesn't return the wave when we cross paths. The rest are renters who come and go and sometimes in the middle of the night. It isn't that I don't love them, I don't know them. Neighbors don't sit on front porches anymore so it is rare that we even see each other.
I am not loving my enemies very well either. I really enjoyed seeing the bombs drop on Baghdad that first night. The revenge for 9/11 seemed to fill my heart and found some fascination in that action. Retribution seems strong at first but leaves a bitter after taste. Once I start to learn about the people who have a heart, soul, and mind it is hard to want revenge. I have been reading a lot more on who the "enemy" is. I think it may be us.
I want to love God, my neighbor, my enemies. I really do. But when I start to, I feel the current against me more and more. To love God goes against the world culture, to love my neighbor goes against my heart culture, and loving my enemy seems to go against my church culture.
If I say I follow Jesus, then I need to begin to follow Him upstream, against the tide...
5 comments:
Tony, I know this isn't the thrust of what you're saying, but you should give "Three Cups of Tea" a read. It's a fascinating book about Pakistan and Afghanistan and one man's effort to make a difference. Amazing.
My self assessment is very similar, Tony. This is what motivates me to learn more about disciplines; to become someone who more readily and easily loves God, loves neighbor and loves enemy. In the moments when I most sense God's presence I do better at these. The rest of the time not so much.
I think that scripture called me to more than 'get close to the Spirit and you will follow all of the commandments.' I think it calls me to put off my old self and put on a new self.
I am lacking in this. I want to grow in it. I am looking at the spiritual practices of Jesus, his disciples, and the early church around this part of our spiritual journey.
I was stirred by your blog. I think because of the line, "my passion for Him is low".
As my passion for Him has never been so full, I still could have penned you blog.
That you can still be working out your salvation, and have your passion be "low", points towards the notion that His passion for you is still high.
Thanks for putting this one out there. I like the way you wrote it.
One of our speakers this weekend said this (in a nutshell): "We're called the love God with our heart, mind, and soul... everything. But we're incapable of doing this. But Jesus already loved God the way we're supposed to love God. He did it for us."
Such is Grace. There was a lot more. But I liked that.
Post a Comment