Midlife crisis No. 1,432...

I am aware of my age a lot these days. Kind of like when I was 20. I realize what I can and can't do. Decisions are made because of hormones more than reason (only now it is a hormone deficit).

Fears crop up and wake me from a C-Pap sleep.

My complexion is an issue, only instead of pimples it is age and sun spots. I never used sunblock as a kid, heck there was no such thing. My mom would tell me to go out and get some sun..., "it's good for you!" As a hippie, I rarely wore a swimsuit less alone sunscreen. (Sorry, too much information)

The worse thing that I find myself doing now is (are you ready for this?) trying to be respectable. I found myself trying to fit in to the crowd again. I started worrying about how I looked, what people were thinking about me, would I be considered for the executive director position, was I good enough to be considered? I found myself becoming domesticated. Trying to be safe, not disruptive. Become appealing to the masses. Maybe a comb-over would help. Brush in some hair die to cover the gray. Wear a girdle to cover the love of pasta.

I even took my earring out. (I am putting it back in tomorrow...)

I started caring more for the position than the call. This Kingdom life is not about position, Jesus speaks against it. I knew that. What makes me care about this except fear to be someone

I started worrying about which side of the aisle I would be invited to sit. Was I getting too liberal, too conservative? Republican or Democrat, Elder or congregant, 4H club or Von's Club...

What the heck is going on, Tony? What are you doing to yourself? This is frickin' messing up my life.

My faith is turning into religion. My prayers are "help me, keep me, give me, let me, ...me, ...me...

I gotta wake up, shut up, get up, make up, give up, and die to myself and join the Kingdom revolution.

I didn't get this position because I could do it, but because I was faithful (paying attention).

I haven't been faithful, lately.

Thanks for listening...