Letting my freak flag fly...

OK, I am bald and 52.

I think that the official designation for what I have is male pattern baldness syndrome. My head looks like a geodesic dome surrounded on three sides with moss.

I don't try to cover up. I don't do the comb-over. I don't color my hair to hide the gray. I have accepted it terminally.

In the 60's through the 90's I wore my hair long. I just let it go. Wore it in a pony tail. It went down to my back. (Where it transplanted itself because now that is where I get the best crop of hair.) I parted it down the middle. Bi-leveled it. Once I even let a friend who was a beautician perm it. I didn't need to because I had curly hair already I just like this person and when she asked if she could practice perming men's hair on me, I said what the heck, go for it.

Even after I started losing my hair I kept it long. Benj Franklin did it and he is one of my heroes. I had to use "product" to keep the top part glued to my head and in place but I did it.

When we moved up to Coarsegold and my wife started noticing that only the Imbredded who had the soundtrack from Deliverance playing in their pickup-armory-daycare center-livestock insemination laboratory-vehicle, with pony tails, she thought it was time for me to cut my hair.

So I did. I trust her judgement and I was a little scared of the mail I was starting to get from the White Pride Liberation Cigarette Shack and Diner Community. I started with a simple cut off the pony tail and kept the rest long. But that looked a little like a mullet and I just could do the mullet. One day I was sitting in the barber chair, and Mike the barber came up and said, should we start talking about growing it so that it covers more of the top. "The Comb-Over?" I yelled. "Hell no! I want a 1" buzz just like I had in the second grade. Block the back, no white-walls around the ears and save the clippings for "Locks of Love. Do it before I change my mind!" I thought I heard him snicker as he said, "Locks of Love" under his breath. He cut it. I went home my wife loved it. I have been wearing this way for the past 5 years. But after Mike's snicker I went out and bought my own clipper and do it myself with Christel's help for the back.

I have a healthy respect for my baldness. When Jean-Luc Picard was the captain of the Enterprise I found a new role model.

If we can talk confidentially... I do have a problem. Dry scalp. Flakes. I have tried dandruff shampoo but it didn't help. I don't think it is dandruff because on the commercials they never show a bald guy with it. I don't know who to talk to. I can't go back to Mike the snickering, freakin' barber, I am a little embarrassed about going up to a bald guy I don't know and ask him what he uses. I did that once and the guy was in Chemo therapy. I didn't know. How was I suppose to know?

The other day I went to Raley's SuperMarket and thought someone must make a shampoo for bald people. So I studied the entire row of shampoos. The row was full of "hair product," coloring for men and women, shampoos, conditioning, new growth products, combs, brushes, picks, tape, squeeze bottles, spray bottles, mirrors, shower caps, extensions, wax, etc... This aisle was full. Seven feet high by 50 feet of hair products. 350 square feet of stuff for hair. That is bigger than most stores in Ecuador have for bread, meat, produce, pharmacy, etc. all together.

Anyway, I was studying the products and looking for something that would be just for bald guys. I spent 20 minutes easily reading boxes, bottles, cans... nothing, bubbkiss, zilch, nadda, zero. No bald guy cream. I didn't want hair restorer, just want my scalp clean. My dad uses Ivory Soap, has for years, but that left my head feeling clean but not healthy. I want a healthy head like Jean-Luc Picard.

And then, as I was looking up at the row of hair care products, some people from church see me. And the weirdest thing happened. I was embarrassed.

Embarrassed!?!!?!

I wasn't at the magazine rack. Wasn't on the women's personal hygiene section. (Side note: When I do have to buy feminine hygiene products, I always buy a package of giant tortillas and cover up the box.)

I haven't been that embarrassed since I bought a nose hair trimmer from the Sharper Image Store...