I appreciated Roger's comment to me in the previous blog. I have been questioning why I am doing anything. Is it for my glory? Yes, it is. Is it for His glory? I hope He receives glory, but I don't think I have any control on what He receives from anyone other than me. I thought I did, but now I don't think so. I think what Roger is asking me is am I burned out of doing something that is hard and I think I am a bit. And for that I am taking full responsibility. My question is, is burned out a reason for stopping. Maybe it is reason to keep going, but use a different approach.
I am not as articulate as i would like but I enjoy the conversation. My issue now is not with the Corporation but with the Kingdom. I was a bit confused for a long time that the two were always connected. And I do not feel that anymore. I am not trying to judge anyone in particular but I am finding myself at peace with not trying to change anyone else except me. I did not mean to judge any committee in particular. Even though I have been spending time in committees as of late. I was wrong thinking my way was the right way for the corporation. The Corporation is doing what it needs to do to keep doing what it is doing. Who am I to say that it is not working? It seems to be working for them. It just isn't working for me. Therefore it is my problem.
Let me tell you a story...
When I was young, I attended the sunday school program at our church from 5 years old through my sophomore year in highschool. I started having some different questions than what the teachers could answer. I did not feel that they were bad, they just didn't answer my questions. They were trying to ask me the questions they had the answers to but that wasn't where I was. I had other questions. I saw a depth of something that wasn't acknowledged in my youth group so I walked away. I started looking into the deep thing without knowing what it was. Some called it by different name, mysticism, spiritualism, etc. I did look into a depth of darkness, but it was of the enemy. Different kinds of hallucinogenic drugs, free living off the land (and off of someone else's dollar), I astro-projected. I hung out at communes and concerts. I was trying to find out what the deep thing was. I felt its power. I wound up with walking pneumonia. My life stopped. I was very sick.
I went home to live with my father and mother for a while to get better. My mother put me on the couch and turned on the old "700 Club" television show... and left the room. In my sickness and no one had invented cheap remotes for TV yet, I had to lay on the couch and watch this tripe. I hated it the first couple of times she did that, but something started being attractive about it. By the second week I then started telling her it was time for her show. The Spirit was moving... (the show was not getting better) and I found myself wanting to know this Jesus character they were talking about. I went out into the back yard and started to pray. I received Jesus' friendship, I began to understand what he did at the cross and wondered at the resurrection.
I worked at Calvin Crest that summer. But then I started having the same questions. What about the other stuff I see in the scriptures. The Deep Thing - The power. The reality. The Immanuel. I knew the enemy was real, I had experience the power of it, but rarely did I see the power of God in His people. I was told that it ended at the last Apostle, that was confusing because was it only for one generation and the rest of us get religion? What? I prayed that God would reveal Himself and answer these questions of mine. He began a slow conversation for the past thirty-two years. The "deep thing" was Him. And getting into the deep thing required deep time with Him. More than just Bible Studies, book readings, youth groups, Sunday morning worship, etc. It was being aware of Him and what He was doing. All I heard from people at that time was "...do more, ...try harder, ...be better..." Be religious.
Then I started having this long conversation with God. He was telling me, "Do this, try this, be this." It felt like I was having a long walk in the woods, as He did with Adam and Eve. And now He is telling me do not worry about the Organization but the Body of Christ.
Then I grew up, had a family, became an elder, became the Program Director at Calvin Crest, and still having the conversation with the Father. I would try to explain what I am see but people would listen. This was frustrating because for a long time I thought it was because I was a kid and someday I would grow up and out of it and go along with the crowd. I would love to be compliant and go along with those in authority. I got a good rebuking from Him and some friends.
Now I am 51 and I have a voice and I am not going to rely on an organization to tell me what the Father is wanting of us. I will always gather with a group of people (some in the organization, some in other organizations, and some who have left the organization) who are deeply involved in seeking God to correct me. And they do. I will always have people around me who question me and discipline me. I welcome your concerns and corrections but not your criticisms. I am not going to try to convince anyone of anything I see anymore unless they are interested in my opinion. That is all I am saying. This isn't about a committee, this is about me so i don't burn out any more.
Roger, I don't know which was darker for me, the time away from God or the time in the Organization.
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