I'm a little bored...

I am finding myself in much yawning. Not a lot of life in what I have been doing. I tried to write a few blogs only to X it out and turn off the computer... bored with myself. I have heard myself say the same thing over and over, complain about the same people over and over, eat the same thing over and over, worship is rutful and I can't stand it.

At fifty it is pathetic to be bored. I know better. Plenty of opportunities, I have seen incredible things. Demonic activities overcomed by the name of Jesus, healings change the course of someone's life, prophecy come true, creation, beauty, etc., etc. But now I can't stand Christianity as a product whether traditional or emergent. I would rather go to an Art Gallery opening than a worship service. Maybe it is a mid spiritual life crisis, or seeing too many things come and go and not leave an impact let alone a stain. Promisekeepers, Billy Graham crusades, PoMos, blogs, etc. I am even bored with Vente, sugar-free vanilla, breve lattes. I can't get excited about a computer, when that use to bring a lot of fascination, they are quickly obsolete - satisfaction is fleeting when things become obsolete so quickly.

My addictions are greater than my passion. I am almost, and I must say almost, at the point of could give a frik about the whole thing. It is not for something new that I crave, but something real. The love of my wife and children are real. I deeply enjoy that. I should have sooner. My wife's love is like good brandy - it gets better with age. Good brandy is for sipping and enjoying, not mixing with seltzer water or 7up. My children are moving out slowing but it seems like they were just arriving a year ago. They have new adventures and new heartaches. I want to protect them but I know that passion comes from risk not comfort. They have to fall into it and have a bodily reaction. Their souls need to grab on to it. I pray that they would let their souls have fingers.

I am finding the collection of leaves from the dogwood trees near camp soothing and peaceful - even more than a corporate prayer time. I don't think I am looking for something more... I think I need to be looking for something less. I need to change my rhythms to match His rhythms. My Rosary beads need to become more important than my pocket pc.

I am wolfing my food and not enjoying what things taste like again. Drinking a glass of wine so I can sleep at night. Praying for someone and thinking about a problem at work. I cannot focus on what is happening at the present moment.

This past week was wonderful, but I am pissed at myself for what I am doing with myself.

Sorry you had to hear this...