Staff Arrives...

I am sitting in my office, pictured above, and listening to the coordinators on the radio as well as live over the meadows, welcoming the new staff. Some are driving up, some are flying in, some took the train or bus, as they arrive with expectation and a bit of fear of what this summer will hold for them. Will they have friends, will they be used by God, will they meet their future spouse or life long friends? What is in store for them?

Someone came up to me and asked me if I am excited for the new staff. I get asked this each year by many, many people. I had to think about that for a few minutes. I hate to say it but I haven't been thinking about the new staff. Which is odd for me. I am usually praying for them and checking to make sure they got in their forms and agreements. It concerned me but then I was able to identify my feelings.

This was a very hard year. (My fiscal year runs from the beginning of camp to the next beginning of camp.) The worse. This past year kicked my emotional, spiritual, mental hinnie and caused some new thinking and behaviors that I have yet come to grips with. I had and have many people mad at me. Some approached me and a few are still sitting in it. (At this point I don't care anymore about people who are not talking to me. I would rather be with those who are in my face.) I think it affected my vulnerability a lot more than I realized. I am guarded a little more than I have been. I have withdrawn from relationships. I noticed my eyes are looking down and not directly into other's eyes. Protection. Safety.

That is different from the "job" guy who I also am. I am dreaming, plotting, designing, listening, instructing, correcting, and disciplining more than I ever have. I am enjoying the design of camp, I am not as involved in the relationships as much this year. I hope that doesn't last too long. I miss that part of me.

That wasn't meant to be a "poor me" statement, more just kind of an aha moment that I wanted to record...